Part of the healing---I am more than just a beautiful mess

Many people have emailed me privately to ask about the meaning of my blog's title. I am trying very hard to overcome some emotional issues and dwelling on the problems of the past can have either a good result or a bad result depending upon the day for me. Some background:

A few years ago I began a Mary Kay business. I borrowed $1200 from my mother in law to buy some inventory upfront and worked hard to get classes booked from classes. I was a star consultant that first quarter of my business. I immediately got approved for a credit card from a bank doing business with Mary Kay and I upped my inventory so I could have a full store and immediately begin taking a profit from my business. After "winning" my first prize (a soft, buttery leather briefcase tote) I immediately fell in love with the idea of winning the star consultant prizes and took to heart the mantra I heard over and over and over: Find a way, make a way, get it done any way. And so I did. I wanted to be on the front page of my director's newsletter and I liked it when she talked about how well I was doing in my business and how smart I was working being a young mother of two and expecting my third baby. She kept talking to me about becoming a sales director and making "big girl pay" and attending the fun retreats, meetings, and luncheons reserved only for sales directors. I liked being a part of a special group.

I charged more inventory orders to reach Star Consultant level. I justified the extra orders because someone might need that Black Raspberry lipstick and she’d probably want two: one for her purse and one for her vanity. I did this several times. Not just to make star consultant level but to make the grade with my director who was always running sales contests and recruiting contests. I spent a lot of money traveling and taking clients to lunches for “informational appointments” and didn’t worry too much about the costs because after all, it was a business expense.


After the birth of my 3rd child, I found I was in qualifications for the red grand am career car offered. He was in the hospital at 2 weeks of age with pneumonia and I was writing recruiting letters and doing interviews on the phone. I do not remember ever rocking my youngest baby. Ever. I would get so close to the sales quota for my team to earn that car and would miss is by a few hundred dollars. This went on for several months until I heard again, “find a way, make a way”. I prayed and prayed for more team members and more sales and a way to make it come together. A few days later, I got a credit card offer. I thought for sure this was God’s way of providing my way to make it happen.


I was tooling around in my shiny new red grand am and found myself in qualifications for directorship and there were so many neat things that the directors or “leadership” got to do that we consultants didn’t get.


Another mantra I heard over and over was “It’s not for the chosen few, it’s for the few who choose.” I wanted to be a director so badly because the Applause magazine listed those amazing monthly checks that the directors were earning and I really wanted to bless my family in the same way.


So, again, I manipulated the money and the credit cards (and sometimes the people) to make it happen. After a couple of months of getting so close I knew I had to make it stick the 3rd month or have to start all over as per the company’s rules. I wasn’t going to let that happen and lose some of the potential unit members to another team. Again, good (bad) timing that another credit card offer came in the mail. I kept praying and praying for God to "enlarge my territory" and put the right people in my path and to give me courage to offer them the dream life I was building. Every time a new credit card offer came I was sure God was ansering my prayers by giving me more financial credit so I could travel more, travel farther, and thus "enlarge my territory" by coming into contact with more new faces.


I debuted as a director of my own sales unit in December of 2001 with several thousands of dollars in credit card debt at my side. Part of it was also on my mother in law’s credit card because at several points during that time I was desperate to make another order and didn’t have any room left on my cards. I wasn’t too worried about it all because I figured with just two or three really good sales/recruiting months in the business and the director’s commissions I could take care of it all. It was just a matter of (another mantra here:) “keeping on, keeping on”. Only losers and consultants without backbone who quit when it gets tough. After several months of making production quotas one month and not making the quotas the next month I began to worry. I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering where the money was going to come from to pay the credit card bills and all the extras I was told I needed to run a successful unit. "Get some household help" was something that the top directors said was a must if you wanted to be able to really grow your business. I hired a housekeeper for 3 mornings a week. I wanted to stay in touch with my unit members and top consultants so I bought a membership to a telephone hotline system.


I also used household funds to buy products to sell or buy extras that I though my business needed in order to make me successful. And, of course, that left us short for household bills so I would charge groceries to make up the difference. At this point my husband didn’t know about most of the debt. I was so afraid of losing my unit and my status of director and the car (that wasn’t really free) and I was so afraid of disappointing my husband and my director. They were so proud of me.So, anyway because I am a person who enjoys “things” and the thrill of winning prizes and the status of “belonging” (probably ALL things that scream, “LOW SELF-ESTEEM”) I was in debt (unsecurred credit card and store accounts) to the tune of $24,000.


After a few months of working my tail off driving all over God’s green earth to hold facials/classes/interviews and going backwards (losing customers to other consultants, losing consultants who really didn’t want to work, losing my mind trying to keep God first, family second and MK third which in reality was MK 1st, 2nd & 3rd–btw, one director even told me that sometimes in order to keep God first and family second we had to temporarily put MK first) I had a nervous breakdown.


I told my husband everything. My blood pressure was off the charts, I was having migraines, my baby was suddenly 6 years old (WHEN did that happen??) The most vivid memory of his infancy was the time he was in the hospital and I was writing recruiting notes and letters to prospective consultants. I don't remember just rocking my baby.


My husband was disappointed but he loved me through that day and we set up payment plan. He got another part time job (in addition to his full time job and another part time job). I let the unit dissolve and I decided that I had to close my business. I began working part time and decided to homeschool our children to make up for lost time. That part (the homeschooling) has saved my life. Literally. It has given me a true purpose and a feeling of value and worth and has given me the opportunity to rock my baby while reading books to him. They are thriving in their education and we are still plugging away at paying off the debt I incurred.


I did it. I own it. It is not the company’s fault. It is not my director’s fault, nor is it my unit’s fault. I did it. It is my fault. There are a couple of anti-MK websites out there that are beginning to really make some headway in cautioning other women about how Mary Kay works and more importantly the ways it doesn't work. I was so relieved to find out that the feelings and misgivings I had about my MK business were not reserved only for me. Thousands of other women have gone through the same thing. While I agree that "no one held a pink gun to my head" to make me order I have to admit some of the comments and practices can make you want to order (or buy something or go somewhere) because "what if?" Mary Kay Ash said to never give up because success is right around the corner. I was so afraid if I didn't go ahead and do what was suggested to me I would miss my "right around the corner" success.

This process of healing is something I can compare to mourning. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but for me that's how it has been. One day I closed the meeting room door in the church where I held my unit meetings. At that point, I turned to my mom (a consultant and unit member of mine) and just cried. I knew at that moment that my days in Mary Kay were over. I was weary. I was broke. I was disillusioned. I was saddend. I felt like something in me died. And in reality it was a death. It was the death of a dream I had. It was the death of something I had so "vividly imagined and ardently desired." My dream was something that had become such a part of who I was or at least who I wanted to be. And it was gone. I have been going through the normal stages of grief and it has taken a while.

The first part was realizing the lies:

Lie # 1: Directors in Mary Kay say, "It isn't for the chosen few, it's for the few who choose" but that is a lie. Here is the truth: God's plans for me trump any plans I have for myself. God has a much mightier life in store for me and I must be in His will to see it.

Lie # 2: Keeping your business challenges/problems to yourself and not sharing them with your husband is just good business sense. They rationalize this by saying that if your husband knew about the debt, the number of cancellations, the hours on the phone with no results etc. will only make him crabby and then, seeing you upset, he'll urge you to quit the busienss. This is a lie. Here is the truth: Keeping things from your husband, unless it is a surprise for him, is NOT honoring or respecting your husband. I wonder how many marriages have crumbled because of the deception that follows. God wants us to be helpmates to our husbands. I certainly did not do anything to help my husband during those years.

Lie # 3: Fake it 'til you make it.
Here is the truth: Pretending that you live a lifestyle that you cannot really afford is a travesty.

Lie # 4: Mary Kay gives you friends for life.
Here is the truth: Since I quit Mary Kay my "sister directors" don't even know I exist. They weren't true friends, I know that now. They cheered for me when I was working to win a contest or make it to a new career level. They stopped caring about me when I was no longer a part of the "Big Girls Club."

Lie # 5: The average new director makes about $30,000 her first full year as a director.
Here is the truth: There are too many expenses as a director to make that much. I invite ANY first year director to show me her SCHEDULE C income tax form. I truly would love to see $30,000 net income for a first year sales director.

There are so many more but I'm getting down thinking about it all again. I read some of the stories on one of the anti-MK websites and here is one that really sums it all up.

I began my business with this great picture in my imagination of being fabulously happy and successful. Driving the perfect car, on my phone, talking to fabulous, happy people, feeling powerful and successful...Then I saw that the women I had to talk to and work with are NOT happy when my job is to call them and talk to them about what they're doing and not doing with their business. They can call it "mentoring" all they want, but my consultants saw it as BADGERING. They are going to do what they want to do. No amount of badgering, girl-talk, encouragement, praise, etc. will make it any different. If you keep talking to them long enough, they'll tell you what you want to hear and THEN just go do what they want to do anyway. I started to feel it when they would see my number on caller ID and not answer. I felt like every waking moment I had to be "ON" and looking for my next victim! I couldn't be nice to people just because I wanted to be nice. I always had to get something from them. It melts your integrity away bit by bit. Even if you are a nice person, that nagging question you always have in the back of your mind: "Will she book? Will she sign on? What can she do for me? Who does she know?" keeps you from really feeling good about what yourself. I remember the wonderful (not sarcastic, she really IS) Carolyn Ward doing so incredibly well in this business, receiving millions of dollars for her MK retirement. What a beautiful person she is and we ALL really wanted to be just like her. We just can't. Period. Fortunately for Carolyn, she got into MK a very, very long time ago and had a completely unsaturated market to work with! She also built her business at a time when women were staying home and raising their children - not working! A Makeup Party/Skin Care Class/Whatever, was a welcome change for them! It wasn't a huge imposition the way it is now. With most women working these days, and not bored at home, waiting for the latest and greatest interruption in their dull lives, the last thing they want to do is clean, bake cookies, be told they're not allowed to serve wine for a party for YOU. And then, find a place to put her husband, pets and children for the evening! And to top it all off, try to find some people who are not all Mary Kay'ed out to invite over so YOU can make money from her girlfriends! (If she only knew now little we were making! Ha!) In MK, they have a way of making us feel like MK is the ONLY job in the world - especially if you're good at it! 'What in the world will you do? You'll just be another quitter! Another loser! If you quit MK, then you'd quit anything! You're a loser!" That really is how your upline will make you feel when you want to walk away. I know. I did it to my downline. It's part of the J-O-B. The truth is, there are a million jobs out there for all of us. What did you learn in your MK business? People skills, management skills? Time management? Make up artistry? Really stop to think about it. We have so much more to offer than the MK cult wants us to think we have! After all, if they can make us feel like MK is all we're able to do, we won't leave, will we? I recommend spending some quiet time just stopping to think. Stop being angry, forget about the debt you incurred for a few minutes and really THINK about what it is that YOU have to offer. It's far more than they've lead you to believe.

PS. The last thing I heard Carolyn Ward say in her last speech where I was present was, "...now that I'm retired and I can say whatever I want, I am going to tell you this. If you want to be successful in MK, I mean really successful, you need to know that this business is 24/7. You cannot have really big success working 20 to 40 hours each week. You just can't...." ...Doesn't that just say it all. Coming from the Number 1 person in the entire company year after year.

So, it's been a few years now but I am healing. My raw soul hurts less and less. I feel less guilt each day for the debt I accumulated. I feel more empowered each day for getting through the fire. You know that poem about the footprints in the sand? Well, if I could look back over the last 5 years there would be only one set of footprints...those would be God's footprints, carrying me through each day. I'm beginning to set my own footprints down now. And there are two sets of footprints now because I know that I am truly walking with my Lord now.

I am a stay at home mom who has chosen to homeschool "the babies," my daughter has become a young adult and she is one of my best friends now, my husband and I are on the same page and he has shown me so much grace and forgiveness for all of this mess. We are poor; but we are richer than anyone else I know. We still have debt but together we are working on that. I wait tables at the little cafe here in town 3 nights a week and love it: Really LOVE it. It makes me feel so good that I can do something to help with the finances. I am healing. The hurt is almost gone and now I am ready to minister to others who might have gone through the same things with Mary Kay. Oh, I am still a mess...but I am a beautiful mess and God is making me more than just that.